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FHM rides the waves and gets bullied by water, all for your reading pleasure
Surfer dude lingo? Check. Wetsuit? Check. Sunscreen? Check. Beach body? Er… Waves? Hell, Yeah! Sunway Lagoon’s newest attraction – The FlowRider – is FHM’s latest test-drive and it comes with its own surf boards too.
Located at the multi-theme park’s Surf Beach corner and shaped like an oversized rolled-out tongue, this surfing simulator thingymajig flushes out 200,000 litres per minute of water over a composite membrane surface, giving you ocean-like currents that every surfer dude craves for all seasons. A continuous sheet of water pumps upwards from the tip of this ‘tongue’, allowing you to slide up and down the surface using a Bodyboard (a half-sized surf board) and with help from the ever-reliable force, gravity.
In many aspects, the FlowRider beats the beach any day; you don’t need to worry about sand in your Speedos giving your sack a stone wash; and its away from the dangers of open water, especially those sharks, jellyfish and the occasional human floaters.
Unfortunately, this ‘half-pipe’ for surfers comes with a potential visual hazard, “Because the water current generated by this machine is so powerful, girls wearing bikinis are advised against using the FlowRider. However, some girls are just stubborn and they end up giving everyone an eye full,” reveals lifeguard and FHM’s FlowRider Guru-of-the-Day, John Oh. Yes, Mr. John, some girls just need to be taught a lesson for being naughty.
But FHM is not into stubborn, accidental nude models; only obedient and willing ones. So, we tighten our beach pants and gear up to do what we guys enjoy watching girls do – get wet.
The Workouts – Maybe “wipeouts” would be a more accurate term
1. Getting Started, Dive In
John says: Grip the sides of the body board (across the middle) firmly; push the rear end against your belly; and lock your arms in an L-shape. Your elbows should be pointing inwards. Lean forward over the water and when you’re ready, dive in. Land using the body board and uses your whole body to find your balance.
FHM says: Epic fail. FHM gets wiped out at the moment we hit the water. The current mercilessly pushes our Upgrade guy up the ramp like tumble weed in a sand storm. Luckily, there is a padded wall to break our fall. But FHM comes back with a marked improvement on the second try, managing to stay afloat for more than a second before crashing into the wall. This, we’re starting to realise, is much harder than it looks.
2. Forward, Backwards and Sideways
John says: Once you’ve found your balance, push the board downwards to glide forward. To glide backwards, push the board down with your elbows to title it upwards. Using the same science, push down your left elbow to tilt the right side of the board up to strafe left, and vice versa. The routine will work your arm muscles and abs.
FHM says: This one is quite easy and FHM feels like a Mat Rempit slicing through torrential rain, minus the danger. But note: don’t push your elbows down too much or shift your weight to one side too quickly; you’ll veer off course in a jiffy. Trust us. We speak from experience. Lots of experience.
3. Push board
John says: First trick in the book. Find your balance before releasing and pushing your board forward. Maintain your position by lifting your arms and feet, allowing your chest and stomach to be a makeshift body board. The current will then push your board back for you to slide on and back to your balancing position.
FHM says: FHM fumbles on the first try, but carves out a two–out-of-two stat on the wipe out. The insides of our ears feel like a water balloon now. The idea is to keep the arms and feet off the water when you’re off the board. The limbs act like a pedal once they hit the current and will launch you overboard. Also, John points out, bigger-sized people balance better without the board. Gee, thanks John.
4. Barrel
John says: Again, find your balance and push either one of your elbows down onto the board firmly before keeling over in one quick motion. The momentum will bring you back into balance position. It’s all about concentration and confidence in your executions.
FHM says: FHM barrels over to the right and back into balance position. Easy as pie. However, we fail on our left maneuver but score a hat trick of wipeouts. We can now rear guppies in our ears. Confidence, and not over confidence, really is the key. This is getting fun, what’s next?
5. Knee Up
John says: Practice this out of the water first. Start at balance position and pull yourself up onto the board by coiling your back to allow your knees and feet to slide up the board, all in one quick motion. Your knees should rest past the middle section of the board, more to the front. Once your knees are resting on the board, shift your body weight forwards or back to maintain your balance. It’s like an inversed abs crunch on water.
FHM says: Wipe out No. 4. Our ears become the new KLCC Aquaria and bruises are starting to reveal themselves from all those wipe outs. FHM has little trouble getting the knees and feet onto the board but balancing on the knees is a toughy. Once again, hands and feet off the water.
6. Front somersault
John says: This is a combination of two tricks: the knee up and the front barrel. Once your knees are rested onto the bard, grip the sides of the board firmly, push your knees downwards, shift your body weight to the front, duck and roll forward, all in one fluid motion. Once the board hits the water again, switch back to balance mode immediately.
FHM says: Halfway though the somersault, FHM suddenly forgets to land using the board and is, once again, takes out by a wall of water. Our bruises arte starting to get their own bruises. This cool but complicated trick needs every ounce of your courage to lunge forward and roll, and trust that your board will land first on the water.
7. Flowboard
John says: This is actually surfing. You balance on a Flowboard (bigger than a skateboard but smaller than a wakeboard) and do tricks like regular surfing. Balancing on the Flowboard is a challenge. When I started, I fell off more than a hundred times… so let’s see if you can stay on the board.
FHM says: Why do we even bother? FHM notches wipe out number five to nine, all in one trick. Easily the hardest trick in the book. John even guides us hand-in-hand and uses a rope to help us balance on the Flowboard, but to no avail. His kind gestures sweep us off our feet but, literally speaking, the FlowRider seems to be better at that. After the tenth wipe out, our bodies are saying “No” but our mind is (still) saying “Let’s Flow!”
Verdict: Go with the flow?
After 30 minutes, a few minor hemorrhagic bruises and post-stampede muscle aches, the thrill factor generated by the endless stream of water outweighs everything. Each bruise will have its own little story and every ache will transform into beefier muscles.
The FlowRider is a monument of fun and a definite dream machine for surfer wannabes, who are restricted by geography and time. And watching instructor John elegantly and stylishly glide and caress the waves on his body board gives all of us hope. “It took an hour each day, over two months, to get used to all the skills,” he divulges. That’s just 60 hours, dude!
Not giving it a shot? Well then, the next time you’re in Sunway Lagoon, just stand around the FlowRider and hope for a hot, bikini-clad babe who has more guts to give a shot.
Article published in FHM, 02/11 edition, pages 98-102. Fhm.com.my
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